About Me

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Because This Is My Life: Thieving Alcoholics Not So Anonymous

I might be a thieving alcoholic, but I draw the line at street corner pharmacist.

Thieving alcoholic? How does that NOT make your mouth water for a juicy story?

I always think that these stories illustrate how this kind of stuff only ever happens to me. I realized the other day that it might not be so much what actually happens, but what is going on in my mind while it is happening that sets it apart.

People set off alarms at grocery stores all the time. I am sure of it. I can't be the only person who carries small bottles of booze around in her purse that set off grocery store alarms.

I am the only one, aren't I?

Because this is my life.........

Because this is my life, I like to buy mini-bottles of hooch from Walgreen's to flavor my brownies. And because they are mini and because sometimes I care about the environment, I tell the clerk that I will just shove them in my purse rather than destroy the earth with their bag of plastic evil. But apparently, I don't put the receipt in there with them. I don't know why. Apparently, I put the receipt in the cup holder of my car. What? Receipts can go there! Perfectly acceptable. Unless you decide to then run multiple errands after your Walgreen's hooch run and in the process forget that you put the alcomahol in your purse but the receipt in your cup holder. Let me just tell you that when you walk into Fry's grocery store with your mini bottles of fire water, you will set off the alarm.

If you are me, you will then panic. You will stop in your tracks and spend no less than 10 minutes carefully examining every receipt in your purse. Hoping against hope that one of the receipts will exonerate you when the SWAT team comes to haul your sizzurp loving tail off to jail. You will not find the receipt. You will weigh the pros and cons of either a)immediately going back to the car and emptying your purse of the alarm inducing contents b) continue your shopping. Dart eyes furtively a lot so that the Feds won't get the drop on you. Act paranoid and suspicious. You will choose option b because you think that walking out the door with nothing in hand and setting off the alarm is odder behavior than walking out the door with several bags of paid-for, above board groceries.

You will grocery shop for approximately 30 minutes. They will be the longest 30 minutes of your life. You will spend most of that 30 minutes trying to decide if you should a) peruse the alcohol aisle to see if they sell the product you have in your purse. If they don't you will most definitely look like an alcoholic when they search your purse. But you will not be considered a thieving alcoholic. b)avoid the alcohol aisles like the plague because you can not steal what you do not go near. You are not a magical thieving alcoholic. You can not put the alcohol in your purse with your mind. "Go ahead, review the security tapes. I was no where near the alcohol section, your honor."  You choose option b. You do not know what kind of security this place has, but you know The Man is watching. The Man can not get you if you stay clean on the security tapes.

When you arrive at checkout, your anxiety will ramp up to THREAT LEVEL RED. You do not know what you fear more: looking like thief or looking like the girliest, lamest alcoholic ever. I mean seriously? Teeny tiny spots of 99 bananas, raspberry vodka, and Malibu Rum. What kind of alcoholic are you? You check out each item in your grocery cart with great flourish. Do you see that Big Brother Fry's? You are paying for each and every item in your basket. You are no thief. You are a fine, upstanding citizen buying brownie mixes, potatoes, and eggs. Oh no, oh no, oh no.....why is the self-checkout scanner telling you to please wait for the attendant? How does it know? Airways closing. Panic! Pani....oh it is no big deal? Okay thanks. Thank you goodly attendant. Thank you for your assistance. Silly technology! So quirky! Ha Ha Ha! Tra la la!

You begin the slow walk of shame towards the exit. You know what is about to occur. Here it comes. Here comes the SWAT team. Call the negotiator. Some chick is holding tiny bottles of intoxicant in her pink purse. She is threatening to bake them into brownies. You cross the threshold and off go the alarms. You resign yourself to your fate. You back your thieving alcoholic self up and wait for the inevitable. You wait. And wait.

And wait.

Finally a grocery bagger looks at you and says, "No one is coming for you. You can go."

You almost want to stay. Knowing that you are about to set off the alarms for yet a third time. Deep breath. Hold your head up high, thieving alcoholic. No one is coming for you. March through the doors, alarms blaring. Get in your car. Oh look! There is your stupid freaking Walgreen's receipt. Who puts receipts in car cup holders?

Go home. Make brownies. Put alcohol in them. You are awesome. But not as awesome as the brownies you make. Now package them up:

Purple Haze Brownies ~ Raspberry Chocolate Cheesecake
Bananas for Oreos Brownies ~ Self-explanatory

Give them to your adorable underage friends. Immediately panic that they will get pulled over with packages of suggestively labeled brownies in their car. What will their parents think? Will the police need to search your house? Should you clean it before they get there? You will be labeled a drug dealer and be cast out from your circle of friends.

Because this is your life.


  1. ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I LOVED THAT!!!!! And, btw, I want to be the first to buy stock in your experimental brownies boutique. Could it be a boutique? Nah. anyway, how were there?! love, mom

  2. PS: Paranoia strikes deep - ha, ha. (C,S,N,Y)

  3. ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I LOVED THAT!!!!! And, btw, I want to be the first to buy stock in your experimental brownies boutique. Could it be a boutique? Nah. anyway, how were there?! love, mom