About Me

Monday, July 18, 2011

Fear ~ Drake (Updated Version)

Hierarchy of Fears

1. Domesticated Turkeys

2. Wild Turkeys

3. Chihuahuas

4. Space Mountain at Disney World.

5. Haircuts. I had a nightmare about my beloved hairdresser, Erin, giving me a bob. In my nightmare I wept inconsolably. Just thinking about the bob of my nightmare gives me chest pains. I get my hair trimmed when I absolutely must. That is stressful enough.  The haircut that started this phobia:

6. Flesh-eating bacteria. Also lots of other rare and/or improbable health issues. I tend towards being a hypochondriac. In case you hadn't noticed.  Also explains why this post made me totally freak out.

7. Strangers. Stranger Danger!!

Also for your amusement:

Hierarchy of Fears when I was a child:

-Please note that most of my fears were related to things that would happen in my sleep. It makes my occasional bouts with insomnia much less surprising.

1. My family members turning into vampires and biting me in my sleep.  Might explain why I HATE all things vampire-related to this day.

2. Recurring nightmare about a witch trapping me on the landing of our basement stairs. Probably brought on by my parents forcing me to sit on that landing until I could calm down when I was scared at night. Also, when I tell people that my parents used to do that they are horrified. Hehehehehehe wallow in that guilt mom and dad. You made your child sit on the dark, smelly, nasty basement stairs to calm down from nightmares and fears about her family turning into vampires whilst she slept.

In fairness, it probably also helped me develop the ability to calm myself down and rationally review my emotional responses to the issues I face ALL BY MYSELF. I self-therapize! Hey yo, dad you should totally start putting your clients on dank, nasty basement steps time-outs when they are totally losing their crap. People will start to sort their mess out real quick to get off those nasty steps. No lie.

3. Random criminal breaking into house and killing me in my sleep. Every night before I fell asleep I would weigh out whether or not I wanted to fall asleep facing the door so that I could see my impending death or sleep facing the window so that I could die blissfully ignorant. Seriously, every. single. night I would weigh out my options and make my choice. Face potential attackers or turn my back to them.

4. Lightning striking the huge sycamore tree in front of our house thereby knocking it over and squishing me in my sleep. I spent a lot of time trying to calculate if it would be an instantaneous death or a slow, agonizing one. Would I make it out alive but damaged? Was there any way to improve my chances?

5. My sister Margaux's fingers. So we all know that I am not fond of E.T. right? Yeah, I am seriously NOT fond of E.T. And I have serious issues with his fingers. And then one day I decided that my sister Margaux had E.T. fingers. And she would be all like, "ooooooo I will now lay my E.T. fingers upon you because you are totally grossed out by this." And I would be all, "GET YOUR E.T. FINGERS OFF OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!" in a shrieking manner.  And sometimes I would get a little teary-eyed and panicked.

6. Strangers. In all sincerity, when I first heard of hermits and how they live all by themselves in the forest and interact with almost no one, I thought that I had discovered my "calling."

Special Note:
Sometimes I review what I have written and laugh at my audacity to consider myself "normal."


  1. I swear to you, I did not put you on the stair landing to calm you down from horrible nightmares at night.  I swear on a  stack of Bibles!!  That was probably part of the nightmare!   ha, ha.  love, mommy dearest.

  2. LOL Oh I could comment on so much but all I am going to say is that we have eerily similar fears!!! lol

  3. I'm going to confess here and attempt to calm the horrible stress you've put mom and dad under by saying that I'm pretty sure I was the ONLY person who ever used to put you on the basement landing while I was babysitting.  Sorry.  But you were an awful crybaby :)

  4. Aack! Next you are going to tell me that you DID turn into a vampire and bite me in my sleep. I am going to go have a epic nervous breakdown about how I apparently create extremely realistic false memories and can't distinguish the difference between nightmare and reality. 

  5. I think the normal boat sailed a long time back. Aren't you scared of ghosts? I am terrified of ghosts. I'm always worried about how they might posses me or kill me or give me stigmata! 

  6. Oh and did you see Earthlings? I am sorry it freaked you out. You're so sweet, I dont want you to get freaked out! 

  7. If in fact you were on the stairs you were probably just playing with the Kitty Kat.

  8. oh HEY! I'm SOOO happy you posted that picture.

  9. Domesticated turkeys?